The “I Want To” Rule
There’s an iron-clad law in spirituality that applies to everyday life as well. In Hebrew we call it, Rotzeh umesameach, in other words, “I want to and it makes me happy.”
Dear Rabbi Brody,
I am an attorney and over the years I have performed a number of services for a friend of mine. Most recently, I helped her obtain her American citizenship. She now feels “entitled” and expects a number of other of services, for free of course. I am at the end of my rope. I have done a number of things because of the urgency of the matters. I actually don’t consider her a close friend, but she has been a good friend over the years.
Part of my resentment stems from the fact that I am struggling at the moment financially (taxes, car repairs, home repairs etc.!) while she is expanding her business. She does not know the extent of my problems but I am a single parent and I have managed, Baruch Hashem, to keep my child in a private school and Jewish programs.
If I refuse to do the work, she would surely find someone and pay them.
Is my viewpoint wrong? I like being a good neighbor, but my regular job is demanding enough and I would like to spend my extra time earning additional income and not continually servicing someone that will not pay.
I appreciate your taking your valuable time to answer me. With thanks in advance, DorineDear Dorine,
There’s an iron-clad law in spirituality that applies to everyday life as well. In Hebrew we call it, Rotzeh umesameach, in other words, “I want to and it makes me happy.” This means that everything one does should be the result of his or her own free choice and that whatever they do should make them happy. When a person does something against his or her own will or is not happy about whatever he or she is doing, the end result is bitter resentment. Your question at hand is a classic example of how you are doing something that’s against your will and that is certainly not making you happy, so you are bitterly resenting. As such, a former good friendship is becoming a drain on your emotions.
You certainly do not owe your friend a thing. Politely tell her how you feel, namely, that you must charge for your professional time and efforts. If she wants to hire you as her lawyer and is willing to pay your price, that’s fine and dandy. You can express your friendship by giving her a little extra effort in whatever you do for her. But, professional time should have a price tag, unless she too is a professional (doctor, CPA, optician, etc) who gives you reciprocal treatment.
Parenthetically, the “I want to and it makes me happy” rule she be a part of our Judaism too. We should attain the level of emuna where we love and appreciate Hashem so much that we perform all His commandments with joy, because we want to and it makes us happy. This was the spiritual level that the Arizal, the Baal Shem Tov, and Rebbe Nachman attained – we should all strive for it too.
With blessings for your success and a shidduch in the nearest future,
Lazer Brody
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