14 Sivan 5779 / Monday, June 17, 2019 | Torah Reading: Shelach Lecho
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How to Fix Your Marriage    

How to Fix Your Marriage

Did you know that marriage counseling, as helpful as it seems, isn’t the best way to fix your marriage? It's liable to do more harm than good…


Did you know that marriage counseling, as helpful as it seems, isn’t the best way to fix your marriage?


In reality, marriage counseling can do much more harm than good.


Think about this all-too-common situation.


A couple considering separation or divorce enters the counselor’s office. They start to bring up a few complaints. The counselor nods and has them continue. They bring up more complaints. The counselor prods them on.


Then the counselor tries to get the “uncooperative” spouse in touch with their feelings. What’s really causing them to behave the way they do? Why did they cheat? Why are they emotionally abusive?


In other words, the counselor is trying - at the same time - to play marriage therapist and personal therapist.


It doesn’t work.


The counselor feels like progress has been made, because the couple communicated their differences and maybe expressed their feelings.


But has it really?


Have there been any positive developments for the couple?




They just moved their fight from the house to the counselor’s office.


And how long does this go on?


Well. That depends on how much money this couple has to keep throwing at the counselor.


My new marriage guru, Mort Fertel, explains why this approach doesn’t work, and why it will never work.


You see, a marriage that got to the point of divorce didn’t get there through logical discussion and disagreements.


It got there because of both spouses’ behaviors and actions.


So, if you have a problem that stems from behaviors and actions, how in the world can you expect to fix it with conversation alone?


The answer is, you can’t.


If you want to fix your marriage, the first and most important thing you have to do is fix your behavior.  


In other words, whatever you’ve done, now you’ve got to do the opposite.


Have you been neglecting your spouse? Not giving them enough nice, genuine attention? Not showing any interest in their day or in them?


The fix? Shower them with positive attention! Smile at them when they walk in the door. Greet them properly. Ask how their day was. Show them that you actually care.


Are you not nice to your spouse? Be NICE! Don’t pick fights, don’t be argumentative, don’t be oppositional! Just be NICE.


At first, it will seem impossible. Especially if you’re the only one at this point that may care about saving the marriage. Especially if you’re the one that’s been hurt or betrayed.


But you have the strength to do it. Believe me. Believe in yourself.


Remember all that stuff you learned about how Hashem doesn’t give you a challenge you can’t handle? Well, now you have the chance to prove that it’s true.


And finally, here’s the real secret to saving your marriage.


It’s a secret that’s so easy and fun, you won’t believe how much it will change your marriage - and how quickly!


The secret is: Go AWAY Together!


That’s it? You’re probably a bit skeptical. But yes! That’s all it takes to jumpstart your marriage back in the right direction.


When was the last time you went away with your spouse? Without kids?


Listen, it’s not as hard as you think it is. Just drop the kids off with the grandparents without warning and RUN!


Seriously, though, nothing saves a marriage faster than going away together.


You need time alone, in a fun environment, to just enjoy relaxing and being together. You need time away from the stress of your everyday lives, away from the kids, away from all of the triggers that are putting you both on edge.


The only way to do that is to get out of your normal environment and put yourselves in a place where you can just be together. Reconnect. Focus on nothing else but each other and having a good time together.


Believe me. It’s the best thing in the world for your marriage.


Once you begin to reconnect, you’ll remember what it is you first loved about your spouse. You’ll see them as they are, not with all of the burdens that they’ve taken on.


Go ahead. Try it. You’ll see, once you begin to spend more positive time together, many of the problems that you thought were unfixable will simply disappear.


The truth is, all you need to do is put positive energy into an area of your life that you’ve been severely neglecting. Most of the behaviors that result are symptoms of this neglect.


So go on - enjoy your second honeymoon ASAP!


And while you’re booking your first-class tickets to Hawaii, check out my friend Mort Fertel at marriagemax.com.



* * *

Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il 

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