The Right/Wrong Guy

Dear Racheli,

Recently I was set up with a guy, and I really like him. He’s cute, smart, witty, and has great manners. The issue is that I’m a very Torah-observant baal teshuva, and he doesn’t do the basic things that I need my future husband to do, such as pray with a minyan and learn Torah. He sometimes wears a kippah, but not to work. He says he has no problem with wearing a kippah all the time if it makes me happy, but he isn’t committing to improving his level of observance in the future. I don’t know what to do!

Esti

Wow, Esti, it's amazing how the Yetzer confuses us when we're in a situation. You already answered your own question, but because you really like the guy, you think you're confused.

He is obviously not up to your standards religiously. That is crystal clear. Put all of your feelings aside and take an objective look at him. I suggest you make a list of pros and cons. I see the major pro is that he's a great guy. But you'll find way too many cons on that list.

When entering into a marriage, the ideal situation is that both partners are on the same spiritual path. You want a guy that's very religious, yet you're dating someone who doesn't even wear a kippah all the time or pray with a minyan? Um, hello?? What are you doing???

What do you think will happen if you have kids together? He makes promises now, but when the kids are older and asking him why he doesn't do the things they learn in religious school, can you imagine the tension that will develop? And even if he does start doing more, do you think it will be because he genuinely wants to, or he doesn't want to look like a fool in front of his children?

And that’s the best case scenario, assuming he doesn’t want to grow on his own. What if he becomes resentful of being the only one who doesn’t want to keep Shabbat, or he wants a TV in the house? What if he doesn’t want to keep family purity? It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Believe me when I tell you this guy has no clue what he wants. He doesn't even understand the damage he's doing by dating girls like you who are more religious. He doesn't take his observance seriously enough, yet he's playing with people's hearts by dating whomever he feels like dating.

He sounds great for another girl who's just starting to figure her way out in the observant world, so they can both learn together. But you are light years beyond him and practically speaking this is not a good match.

My hunch is that Hashem is giving you a massive test right now. Will you settle for a guy because you really want to get married, or will you hold fast in your faith that Hashem has the perfect guy for you? It very well could be the next guy you date!

Here's what I would do if I were you. I would tell this guy he's great, but there is too much of a gap in our level of observance, and I'm not willing to settle for a drop less than what I want in a husband. Then, I would pray, pray, and pray for Hashem to send me the right guy.

Just as importantly, thank Hashem for this incredibly difficult test. Tell Him that you're giving up on this shidduch because you want to raise children in a proper Jewish home, and you want to give them the best life possible. Tell Him that you want to be a proper Jewish wife and you can only do that with a man who is strong in his observance and has great middot as well.

Also, tell Him you want a man with lots of money so he can spoil you. I’m only half kidding. Okay, I’m not kidding. Even Jewish law says a man should spend more money on his wife than he can afford. BOOYAH!

You sound like a wonderful and sincere woman who deserves a fantastic guy. Please don't settle for less.