The Devil’s Muffins

I have a bad case of last-child-itis. It’s that incurable lovesickness that goes along with dealing with your youngest child. C’mon. Admit it. If you’re a parent of more than one, you know you have it.

It’s okay, I won’t tell your kids.

So, my little monkey, Natan, was hungry the other day when we went to the supermarket. I told him I’d get him a snack, but that wasn’t exactly the answer he wanted to hear.

He had just one thing on his mind, and that was muffins.

Chocolate chip muffins.

You know which ones I’m talking about.

The kind that are laced with chemicals and preservatives and all that sweet poison that tricks your brain into thinking you’ve just taken a bite of Gan Eden itself.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.

After he cried and cried as I offered him an apple, a chocolate milky, and a Ferrari, I finally gave in and bought those oversized, fluffy chocolate chip muffins.

What a sucker I am for this little boy. It’s a problem, I know. One day I’ll fix it. Like, when he moves out.

Anyhow, this muffin is highly symbolic of something, and that something is called carbs.

I have a groundbreaking theory, and if I can just find some way to show some scientific proof, I know for sure that I’ll win my long-coveted Nobel Prize. Because saying I’m a genius just isn’t as powerful as proving that I’m a genius.

All joking aside, I really do have an awesome theory, courtesy of the four muffins that have made my waist look like the Michelin Man’s.

Here it goes:

Carbohydrates are the Devil!!

Do I hear any Nobel Prize nominations? At least a standing ovation? Something??

Obviously, I’m talking about simple carbs. Like the kind of stuff in those insanely delicious muffins, cakes, cookies, breads, pastas, white rice, blah, blah, blah.

And yes, I’m including sugar in the Devil category because it’s addictive and serves as a breeding ground for viruses, bacteria, and even cancer.

So. What exactly is it about carbs that makes them so devilish?

I’m so glad you asked!

You see, carbs (and sugar) do a funny thing to us. For example: if you’re like me, you might not have been thinking about a warm, gooey piece of apple pie topped with cinnamon ice cream (gevalt!).

But! If you were to suddenly see a piece sitting innocently on a plate, what would happen?

Well, you would experience a type of possession. Literally.

Your brain suddenly gets overwhelmed by a desire to eat the apple pie. Your eyes roll back in delight as you inhale its heavenly aroma. Your mouth begins to salivate as your taste buds frantically scream for just one bite.

At that moment, you are hypnotized, totally controlled by the apple pie. You will obey its every command just so you can sink your teeth into that warm, bubbling piece oozing with soft apples and smothered in cinnamon ice cream.

G-d what’s wrong with me?

Here is the first correlation between carbs and the Devil. They both draw you in with some tantalizing and irresistible fantasy.

Once that fantasy grabs a hold of you, you’re done for. It’s almost impossible to push those sinful thoughts away.

Next correlation: They both keep you unsatisfied. Carbs have a funny way of making you want to eat and eat until you’re so full, you feel like you’re about to burst. Ever try having just one little bite of a cookie or a few forkfuls of pasta? If you can do that, I have nothing nice to say to you.

Temptations from the other side, whether they’re rooted in immodesty, illegal drugs, Costco, or those darned carbs, they all do the same thing. They make you insatiable for more.

Third: And once you’ve had your fill plus two more helpings, what’s the number one thing you feel?

GUILT! Self-persecution!

Ah, the brilliance of the Other Side! He makes you want, he makes you take more than you need (if you need any at all,) and then he slaps on the guilt.

Oh, why did I eat the last muffin? I wasn’t even hungry! I didn’t have muffins on the brain before I saw them sitting on the counter! And who let those things into my house?!

Yes. The yetzer hara (evil inclination) loves self-persecution and guilt. They’re his favorite weapons to finish us off with.

In my “humble” opinion, this is a battle we can’t win. Once the temptation is visible or accessible, the inner war is pointless. And I’m not talking about you GMO humanoids that either don’t crave carbs or can eat just one potato chip. I hate you people.

So, what’s the solution?

It’s simple. Don’t let the carbs into your house! Don’t let the temptation into your life!

It’s not for no reason that Judaism has some very high walls that are aimed at preventing terrible mistakes from happening. Our sages know human nature better than we know ourselves, so they instituted certain rules that are safeguards against many types of extremely destructive social situations.

And carbs? Well. If you want to stop letting them control your life and your waistline, start changing your eating habits. Go online and read up on the Low Carb High Fat diet and the ketogenic diet. Google both. There are tons of great websites out there.

It’s our responsibility to protect our souls and our bodies. Believing that only our souls are what’s important is foolishness and a denial of Hashem’s unbelievable kindness in creating our bodies the way He did.

Let’s take care of both by doing our best to ensure that we are in an environment that supports us, both physically and spiritually. Trust me. When you cut the carbs, not only will you start losing weight like crazy, but you’ll also feel so much more energetic, your head will be clear, and your moods will be even better!

Now I’m about to ignore everything I just wrote and eat that last cursed muffin.

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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il