She Wants a Baby

Dear Racheli,

I’m a Jewish girl in my late 20’s, and I’m writing you because I am seriously considering becoming a single mom. I really want a family, but I just can’t seem to find the right guy. I feel like no one I date is interested in me. I know Jewish law says to wait until a person gets married, but how much longer can I wait? I don’t want to start having kids in my 30’s…

Jessica

Whoah, Jessica, let’s take a few steps back. Your question is loaded with lots of “stuff” that needs to be addressed before your actual question can be addressed.

First, let’s look at your desire to want a family. It is clear to me that you are a person with a big heart, and I’m sure you know that you have a lot of love to give. It is a commendable and holy inclination for a young woman to want a husband and children. Give yourself a big amount of credit for this, as many women today have been misled by the modern and anti-Torah ideology of feminism, which takes away this desire from women, or at the very least, delays it by a decade. You can read about the Torah’s view of feminism in my article, The Anti-Feminist  Feminist.

Here’s where the “stuff” starts coming out: you say that no one you date is interested in you. There can be two explanations for this. Either you’re dating guys who have no interest in getting married in the first place, or you aren’t feeling very good about yourself in general, which is why you’re finding guys who don’t seem to be interested in you.

You need to do some serious soul-searching, Jessica. You must try to figure out where your idea that no one is interested in you is coming from. Could it be that you don’t feel very good about yourself? Do you feel that, deep down, you’re not really that interesting to begin with? I am sorry to bring up such confrontational questions, but these are issues that you must deal with before you can move forward. I think this issue also applies in the case of guys that you date who are simply not interested in getting married. You could be putting out vibes that you’re just not ready yourself, and Hashem is reflecting your feelings in others.

However, you’re trying to cover all that up with your desire to have a baby all by yourself. You’re trying to ignore the tremendous lack of love you feel, and you think a new baby will fill that void. Finally, you’ll have someone that will love you and you will love him back. This is a tremendous mistake. Having a baby is anything but easy, and if anything, the more your child grows, the less appreciated you could feel. Kids don’t give parents the same level of love that they get, and that’s okay and natural. Putting yourself in such a situation will make you suffer terribly from such unrequited love, when you realize that instead of filling the missing love in your life with a child, you’ve filled it with years of heartache, self-sacrifice, and “unappreciation”.

Don’t get me wrong- I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything. But after four boys, I can tell you, being a mom is very much a thankless job. It takes years of conditioning to get kids to understand the concept of appreciation; and much of it just comes with time. Nonetheless, there’s nothing better than the love a parent feels for their child. It is truly the closest thing to understanding how much Hashem loves us, His children.

So the first thing I would recommend is for you to stop trying to look for a husband. Even if you were to find a guy who wants to get married, you will eventually have to face your less-than-stellar feelings about yourself. If you don’t fix this now, you will end up a very emotionally needy wife, and this can definitely ruin a marriage. You need to focus on being a strong woman in your own right, and not depend on anyone else to fill your Love Void for you. You must fill it yourself.

What’s the best way to fill this void? How can a person really say he loves himself? Well, there are two ways. The first way is prescribed by none other than the Doctor of the Soul, Rebbe Nachman. He recommends that you always look for your good points, and focus on those. It seems to be human nature to focus on what we did wrong, but that’s a trick of the Evil Inclination. Don’t fall into it. Make a list of what you’re good at, including your character traits. Do this on a daily basis, and you’ll constantly find more wonderful things about yourself to add to that list.

The second way a person can learn to love himself is by coming closer to Hashem. When you look in the mirror and see everything that’s wrong with you, physically and otherwise, what are you saying to Hashem? You’re saying that you don’t agree with the way Hashem made you. You think that He must have made a mistake, or you’re angry that He didn’t make you the way you think you should have been made.

Let me tell you, Jessica, that Hashem makes us all with certain deficiencies and flaws on purpose. If we were all perfect, we wouldn’t be here. We would be like the angels in Heaven. So why did Hashem make each one of us with flaws? It is so we can use those flaws and deficiencies to search for Him. We want something that we lack- who can we go to in order to get it? Only Hashem. But it’s not just about getting what we want out of Him; it’s also for the purpose of us developing a connection with Him. He is our Father, and He loves each of us more than we can ever understand.

When you start talking to Hashem and asking Him to fill you up with the love that you’re missing, you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be. When you make Him a daily part of your life, going to Him as a child goes to a parent when he needs help, you will see quick and dramatic changes in yourself and in your life in general.

Jessica, I know without a doubt that Hashem wants to send you a wonderful man; a man who will cherish you and treat you with the most love and respect. But first, He wants you to feel that way about yourself.

Take 30 minutes a day and talk to Hashem about your feelings. Let Him know that you’re feeling empty and only He can fill that void with His love. Ask Him to strengthen your feelings of self-worth, as you are a daughter of the King and deserve to feel as such. Then, when you feel that you have made positive internal changes, you can ask Hashem to send you your other half. He’s out there, I promise. So don’t give up, and please, send me an invitation to your wedding!

Racheli