A Full Feeling

There lies within the best of us an evil inclination that is never ever satisfied. I know because like most people, I spent years trying to make it say, “No thanks, I’ve had enough.”

Like a dog hovering under the table, the yetzer hara will never refuse another scrap of whatever you offer. There are some things that just can’t get filled. Addictions and unrealistic expectations are two of them. They go hand in hand.

People are usually surprised when I tell them I had an eating disorder when I was young. But I loved food as a child and thought about it constantly. Eating while watching TV or reading was the ultimate in relaxation and escape. It numbed my feelings of being lost and nervous and gave me pleasure unlike anything else.

Something was missing in my home, my life and myself. I filled that void, like many kids do, with treats and distraction. It’s not just computer games and junk food that cause childhood obesity. It’s also an emptiness and anxiety that kids are attempting to cope with. They are looking for comfort and stability and they find it in the potato chips. But eventually the coping mechanism becomes the problem, which just covers up the original one. And now you have two problems for the price of…..many more to come.

When I was nineteen I learned about 12 step groups and I joined one. I was floored by the way people opened up about their feelings, their faults and the amounts of food they were eating. The denial, the shame and the duplicity that goes on in every addiction… It was an education of a kind I had never experienced and it led me to working in the mental health field. I was interested in what made people search for salvation in food, drugs, alcohol, gambling and toxic relationships. Things that provided temporary pleasure only to cause lasting remorse.

Being in a twelve step group was one of the things that led me to study Torah. I wanted to know more about the higher power they spoke of. I wanted to understand “God, as we understand Him.” Because I didn’t understand Him a bit and if He were as remote as my earthly father, I knew this would take some effort. Discovering that there really was a God was a real relief and a big comfort. Actually integrating that belief into my core took longer. It’s a journey.

Another thing that helps kick an addiction is learning to take emotional risks. Risk saying how you feel and asking for what you want. Reveal who you are to the people around you.

But first you have to get close to yourself. Prayer can facilitate this. Until you pray, you haven’t told God what you need, and you don’t know what you’re after. Honest personal prayer can clarify your thoughts and keep you grounded. Expressing gratitude and asking for divine assistance keeps you humble and away from self-deception. You don’t have to run from your lies. You don’t have to escape. Hashem wants us to be wholesome. He will help us like no earthly being ever can.

It can be torturous to give up your heart’s desire. But as Jews we are taught: “Beware lest your heart be seduced and you turn astray and serve gods of others and bow to them.” Addicts become slaves to a god substitute, they seek solace from something limited and limiting.

And it can’t fulfill the soul. Even the people you love most cannot be your reason for living. As satisfying as love can be, your ultimate relationship is with God and that cannot be neglected. Your soul will never withstand the estrangement. You’ll be constantly searching for something and that search can take you to some dangerous places.

Man cannot hope for mercy from the evil inclination because it has none. Its mission is to grab hold of your mind and destroy you through your doubts and your desires. Remember the snake!

We need the laws of the Torah and emuna in Hashem to keep us from self-destruction. We need God’s help to get healthy, to even want to get healthy. And we need His loving-kindness to keep us that way.

Addicts are looking for a feeling of safety, a feeling of fulfillment and a sense of belonging. These are legitimate needs. But they will never be met through the limited things that exist in this world and of which we can never seem to get enough.

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Rebbitzen Yehudit Channen began her career as a Crisis Intervention Counselor in Silver Spring, Md. in the seventies. After moving to Israel, she worked as a marital mediator and social skills instructor for kids. Following the death of a son, Rebbitzen Channen became a certified bereavement counselor and worked with young mothers who had suffered loss. Most recently she worked at the Melabev Center for the memory-impaired, as an activity director and group facilitator for families coping with Dementia.  The Rebbitzen has written for numerous magazines and newspapers and recently led an interactive creative writing course called Connective Writing. Yehudit Channen is the wife of Rabbi Don Channen, Rosh Yeshiva of Keter HaTorah.  They are blessed to have nine children and many grandchildren and live in Ramat Beit Shemesh. Today, Rebbitzen Yehudit Channen is a certified Emuna Therapist for Breslev Israel. You can set up an appointment with her by contacting staff@breslev.co.il