Dilation

“I have a knot in my stomach and feel like I’m going to cry because I don’t want to go.”  I texted my husband as I prepared to go to my eye exam. It had been at least 6 years since I’d had an exam, 4 years since my prescription for glasses had expired and 2 years since my glasses had broken.

For the last two years I’ve been wearing them with one shattered lens, missing nose pieces and bent frame. They were uncomfortable. They were embarrassing to wear during client meetings – I’d make an excuse that they were my “traveling glasses” when, inevitably, I’d have to put them on at some point. They were almost impossible to see through to drive at night so I avoided night driving. When I did wear them I had to tip my head back and to the side so I could see around the shattered section.

I’d made my life fit around my broken glasses and near sighted vision instead of getting new glasses. Why? Because I didn’t want to have my eyes dilated. I can be stubborn like that.

It sounds silly, I know. It’s a simple procedure, the doctor is nice, it doesn’t take long to have done, it’s not painful, and it only has to be done every few years…. I get it. I also really (really) dislike it. Having my eyes dilated makes me nauseous from the blurred vision and I just want to sleep. I can’t drive. I can’t work. I feel like I simply cannot function.  To sum it up – it’s a forced rest day and I’m not good at taking rest days.

I casually complained to the doctor’s assistant about not liking to have my eyes dilated. She kindly put just one drop in each eye instead of the regular two. When the doctor came in for the exam and prepared to look inside my eye I felt guilty and told him I only had one drop done. He laughed and said it was okay – my pupils were open nice and wide so he could get a good look inside.

My head rested in the machine and I stared at a dot while the good doctor shined a light into the interior of my eyes. And then we were done. My eyes were healthy, my prescription hadn’t changed from six years ago, and I don’t have to go back for three years. Sweet. Thank you Hashem! Ordered my prescription glasses and away I went, eyes dilated, into my forced rest day.

The comment from my doctor about my pupils being wide enough for him to get a good look inside kept playing in my head. I realized this whole experience was a message from Hashem and this comment in particular was something I needed to pay attention to.

You see, I’ve been somewhat closed off lately. I know I have spiritual work to do and I’ve been stubborn – “I don’t want to take the time… I might not like it… It’s going to make me feel weird… I can get by for another little while with where I am… I’m confused with my role so I’m going to set it aside for a while…” – Oh let me tell you, I have got the excuses lined up!

Here’s the deal though – Hashem loves us and is only going to let us use those excuses for so long before He says, “That’s enough, it’s time to get back to work”.

It was time to start putting effort into growing spiritually again. Time to rest from the rush of the world, allow my life to be dilated open and invite Hashem to shine a light onto those areas that need work. Time to listen as He gives me a diagnosis and time to order my prescription of emuna.

Rabbi Nachman gave us wonderful advice that this event brought into focus for me. Take a rest from the world and go see our Doctor daily! Talk to Hashem for at least an hour a day to keep your soul in tip top shape – full of emuna!

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com to be added to the weekly newsletter for dates and times. Visit the blog at noahidenews.blogspot.com.