Believing God’s Love

I have a client who is afraid to be happy. She’s been sad for so long, that’s how everyone knows her, that’s how she knows herself. Dependable, hard-working, helpful and kind but…sad. Unhappy about many things in life that didn’t turn out exactly the way she planned. Feelings of failure, regret, inadequacy, inferiority, loneliness, hopelessness… above all, the feeling that God doesn’t love her.

It’s easy for Malka to be a sad person who never feels good about herself. She’s felt that way since she was a girl. Her family of origin was not happy. Her father wasn’t well emotionally and her mother was preoccupied with caring for him. Malka tried to be an obedient girl and get good grades, so she wouldn’t cause her parents any additional anxiety. Overly conscientious and shy, she remained a quiet student who only received attention when another student needed her help.

Although Malka was close to her mom, her fragile father was self-absorbed and oblivious. Malka never experienced the feeling of being cherished by a father who was there to protect her and make sure she got what she needed. She felt invisible and unimportant.

As Malka grew older, she became interested in Judaism and eventually became religious. But after many years of being observant Malka still has trouble feeling close to Hashem.

By transferring her feelings for her biological father onto her Heavenly One, Malka has limited herself and her relationship with God.

Unlike her earthly father, Hashem is not oblivious and preoccupied. He is very much aware of her and has her in mind at all times. Why doesn’t she experience that feeling?

Many times we misunderstand the things that happen to us. If we pray for something and we don’t get exactly what we wanted, we interpret that as a personal rejection rather than a loving response. When we lose money, get sick or have trouble with our marriage we might make it mean that Hashem is uncaring, angry at us or cruel. Sometimes we may feel singled out for punishment. I have never found these attitudes to facilitate spiritual growth. They are too negative and overwhelming and usually result in hopelessness, bitterness and withdrawal.

Because we refer to Hashem as our Father; and ourselves as his beloved first-born, we get confused when this does not seem to be reflected in His “behavior” towards us. In cases where someone’s father has failed him, it can be a real challenge to rely on the Ultimate Father.

How can we learn to trust God?

In addition to identifying the root causes and psychological reasons for our doubts, we also have to contend with the evil inclination who will pollute our hope for a closer connection. By exploiting our insecurities, the dark force will sabotage our efforts to move closer to God and develop our faith in Him.

By recalling all the miracles in our lives and remembering all of the times we have witnessed divine intervention, we can bring to our consciousness evidence of Hashem’s love. The hardest thing to feel sometimes is that God is on our side. He is not out to get us. While God does expect a lot from us, He is also our greatest fan and cheerleader.

Malka had been praying for her troubled teen-aged son Paul, for a long time. Paul had been kicked out of a well-known yeshiva for smoking weed and Malka was mortified. She felt that all her prayers for her son’s success had been in vain. After fruitless attempts to get him back into his yeshiva, Malka and her husband finally succeeded in finding him a local yeshiva, which they would never have considered previously. It wasn’t religious enough in Malka’s opinion and she was embarrassed that he was not in a dorm like her neighbors’ kids.

We talked about her son’s situation. After several months in his new school, he seemed to be flourishing. His grades were high, he had stopped smoking and his relationship with his parents had improved drastically. He had begun praying and putting on tefillin again after a long time of not doing either. He was also looking forward to a class trip to Prague. In short, he was doing great!

But before we came to that conclusion, Malka was convinced Hashem had ignored her prayers. Why? Because all Malka could focus on was the fact that he had not been re-instated into the prestigious yeshiva, the yeshiva that would supply her need for status and make her feel better about herself. That would be proof that she had succeeded and make her worthy of love and admiration. To Malka, if Hashem answered her prayers in any way other than exactly what she wanted, that meant He didn’t care. But returning Paul to his former yeshiva would not push her to solve her deeper issues (and it would not be good for Paul.)

Hashem gives us exactly what we need to facilitate our spiritual growth. Malka needs to outgrow the neurotic claim that “If God really loved me He would give me exactly what my heart desires.” Hashem gives us what our soul desires. And that is to cultivate the belief that if God doesn’t act like your personal genie, it’s not because He doesn’t love you. It’s because He has something better in mind.