Incessant Overt Anger, But No Revenge
Level Threes are easy to recognize. Often, they enjoy impressing people with a good show of anger. They think that a violent display of indignation makes...
In the previous article, we've completed Level Two and now we continue with Level Three.
Ten Exemplary Levels from Total Anger to Total Tranquility
Level One: Overt Anger and Violent Revenge
Level Two: Silent Anger and Emotional Revenge
* * *
Level Three: Incessant Overt Anger, but No Revenge
Level Threes are easy to recognize. Often, they enjoy impressing people with a good show of anger. They think that a violent display of indignation makes them important. Maybe you remember a boss, a teacher, or a relative who fits this description.
In all fairness, a Level-three temper tantrum differs substantially from a Level-one vocal expression of anger. Whereas a Level Three is either blowing off steam or trying to attract people's attention, the Level One is attempting to cripple his or her victim with words.
Level Three characteristics include uninhibited speech, constant aggravation, yelling, and in the case of Level-three parents – frequent slapping. Family members, co-workers, neighbors, and employees of Level Three's often suffer from the "foxhole syndrome."
Just as a veteran combat soldier automatically ducks his head whenever he hears the whistling shriek of an incoming shell, foxhole-syndrome sufferers wince or hide behind raised arms whenever a Level Three opens his or her mouth, as if they are fending off an attack.
Level Threes do substantial damage to their children and to their spouses. Even though they don't hold grudges, their family members become nervous wrecks from the constant yelling and slapping.
The Talmud tells a story about the extent to which a Level-three parent is liable to damage a child:
A little boy from the town of Bnei Brak accidentally committed a misdeed that would surely invoke the wrath of his anger-prone father. The little boy was petrified with fear, and failed to come home from school that day. Instead, he jumped in a deep well and drowned himself.
Imagine, preferring suicide to another emotional torture treatment of anger! Don't think that such an episode is a fantasy. The best-case scenario for children of Level-three parents is a future of no self-confidence, frayed nerves, and a low self-image.
Having a Level-three individual for a spouse is a tribulation in itself. In my counseling experience, I've often seen discord, financial instability, and psychosomatic ailments in households of Level Threes.
Don't lose heart – if your spouse is a Level Three, teaching him or her to overcome anger is a lot easier than divorce. Talk to your mate about happiness, tranquility, and spirituality. Arouse his or her interest in the subjects we discuss in this book. Show him/her the benefits of an anger-free life (see Introduction). Take drives to the country or to the beach, and get your spouse to try the "Seven-Day Plan" (see Chapter Four). Don't make the mistake that many people do by divorcing their current Level Three, only to discover that their next mate is a Level Three or worse.
Test yourself with the following questions:
1. Do you feel like shouting at someone almost every day?
2. Do other people frequently upset you?
3. When you drive or travel, do you find yourself yelling at other people on the road, even under your breath?
4. Do you throw or kick things when you're angry?
One "yes" answer shows Level-three tendencies. Two "yes" answers indicate a problem with overt anger. Three or more yeses mean than you're knee-deep in Level Three.
A soft answer dispels wrath – Mishlei – Shlomo HaMelech
Now, let's learn a few tips in coping with Level Threes:
* When a Level Three begins a raging tirade, react with a smile and a soft answer. Offer to prepare two cups of coffee, and invite the Level Three to sit down with you on the sofa to discuss the matter calmly. Let the Level Three soliloquize – be a perfect listener and don't interrupt. The Level Three wants your undivided attention, so let him or her have it. You've then succeeded in defusing an explosive situation.
* Agree with whatever the Level Three is saying. Make your point at a later, calmer, and more opportune time.
* Don't ever get pulled into a shouting match with a Level Three. You'll never win.
* Buy time, and delay confrontation! If you feel you're about to be sucked in to an argument and you can't remain calm, excuse yourself with a good excuse, like saying you must urgently use the bathroom. After you've calmed down and collected your thoughts, refer back to the afore-mentioned tip of a cup of coffee and a sofa discussion.
* Soft mood music usually mollifies a Level Three. Level Threes have difficulty yelling with Richard Clayderman playing a piano rendition of "Scarborough Fair" or "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" in the background. Once again, put a cup of herbal tea in the hand of your Level Three, sit him or her down on the sofa, and discuss the matter calmly.
* Divert the Level-three individual from the path of anger by giving him/her a compliment. Be truthful and sincere though, and the Level Three will soon be eating out of your hand rather than biting it off.
To be continued…
(The Trail to Tranquility is available in the Breslev Store.)
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