The Winning Ticket

Years ago I heard an allegory that stuck with me: there was a poor man who desperately wanted to win the lottery. Every morning after prayers he would go to the Torah ark, open it, and yell towards the sky, “G-d! I really, really need to win the lottery! I can’t pay my bills! I don’t have food to put on the table! My wife needs a new pair of shoes!” (Okay, I added that part.) This went on for several months, and finally, G-d had enough. Just as the man was about to begin his daily ritual of rocking the heavens with his nudnik complaining, a Bat Kol (heavenly voice) rings out, “Buy a silly ticket already!”
 
It seems like common sense that the man would have bought a ticket every week, if he really wanted to win the lottery. How could he seriously expect to win without one? What did he think- that one day he would wake up and money would come raining down from the sky like manna? Or maybe it would come crashing down on him as he opened up his closet door? Was he hoping to see a “1” in front of a whole bunch of “0’s” suddenly appear on the printout of his account balance?
 
To any outsider, it is obvious that this man was foolish to hope for a miracle like this one without actually making the slightest effort to get what he wanted. But guess what, folks- we’re not any less foolish than Idiot Lottery Guy.
 
What do I mean? Well, think about this: how many times do we hope and wish that things will be different?  That we can change something in our lives without any effort? For example: let’s say we have a character trait that we’d like to improve, such as anger. We can convince ourselves that this is the last time we’re going to blow up. We can rationalize day and night all the reasons we don’t need to get angry (or didn’t, after the fact). We can prepare in advance our reaction to the situation that keeps triggering our anger, hoping the next time we’ll be able to handle it better. We can pay through the nose for years of couch time. But in the end, does it help us get rid of our anger? 
 
I’ve done all of the above, except pay through the nose. Even to this day I still catch myself doing these things – especially trying to rationalize my anger away. Specifically, I am referring to the anger I feel bubbling up when my kids do something really upsetting, like throw large pieces of wooden furniture outside my friends’ third story window. Or when one of my kids snuck a small bottle of wine that I had intended to serve on Purim, and I found out he drank nearly the entire bottle when my other kid pulled it out of his backpack. Of course, he tells me that he didn’t know it was wine – he thought it was grape juice! Sure he did.
 
After the fallout, I fall into the trap of self-persecution. How could I have allowed myself to react yet again to my kids’ nonsense? I knew it was coming; I didn’t know exactly what, but even so, I knew to expect something. It’s like watching a scary movie- you don’t know what exactly is going to happen, or when, but you know something bad is coming, so you’re already tense, bracing yourself for that moment when everyone in the movie theater screams.
 
Do you remember that phrase: “Insanity is doing the same thing yet expecting different results”? Does that mean I’m insane? Sometimes I wonder…
 
But this type of insanity isn’t only limited to character traits. It applies across the board in our lives. Another biggie is our relationship patterns. Many times we’re attracted to a similar type of personality, whether we realize it or not. Sometimes it’s not so obvious. There are many women who find themselves in one relationship after another with men who have commitment-phobia, or who can’t save a dollar if their lives depended on it. There are also men who always find themselves in relationships with impossible-to-please women, or blondes.
 
I once read an interesting perspective on relationships. The author claimed that people attracted potential mates with the same negative character traits as their parents. It’s something worth looking into. If you want to break out of a bad relationship pattern, it is worth your while to find out what inside of you is compelling you to attract the same kind of damaging personality.
 
But that’s beside the point. My point is that each of us has many different types of reactive patterns that we would like to break free from. Most of us know what we need to work on, and we really want to change. But like the saying goes: “People can’t change.” (Goodness, what’s with all the clichés?)
 
And you know what? They can’t!
 
Or can they?
 
There is only one way to change, that has been proven time and again- Personal Prayer! What’s so great about personal prayer? Think about it this way: we are up against a dark force, an angel who compels us to do things that our rational brains understand are wrong. This angel, as Rabbi Brody likes to call “Sammy”, knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows our weak spots and knows our deepest, most hidden thoughts. Many times we may not even be aware of what makes us tick. But he sure is.
 
Sammy also knows the root cause of our reactive behaviors. He sees the link between the way we treat our kids and the way we were treated as kids. He remembers past traumas that we have long forgotten.  He also understands that all of this mumbo jumbo works on such a deep psychic level, and many people don’t even bother to look into the how’s and why’s of their mental and emotional makeup.
 
As such, we are no match for a force as powerful as he. We’re like ants fighting with an elephant.
 
So what are we to do? Are we doomed to resign ourselves to our damaging patterns because we’ve failed so many times? Absolutely not! Let’s remind ourselves that there is Someone who is stronger than Sammy. This Someone created Sammy, and He can (and will) destroy him.
 
You know what personal prayer is like? Imagine you’re a scrawny kid in school that is constantly getting bullied. Wouldn’t it have been nice if you had a friend, big brother, or genie that you could magically make appear and beat the living daylights out of those obnoxious kids?
 
That’s what you’re doing! You’re asking G-d to help you destroy the Evil Inclination that has bullied his way into your brain and made himself at home. Only G-d can do that. We need to yell to Him: “G-d! I can’t beat this thing on my own! I’m trying and trying, and I can’t make any lasting changes without You! I NEED YOUR HELP!”
 
On our own, we’re nothing against our invisible enemy. The only way we have a shot at improving any aspect of our lives is through personal prayer. It’s our spiritual winning lottery ticket! You can’t win if you don’t get a ticket- so what are you waiting for??