Too Safe, Too Sorry

Silence is not always golden. Sometimes it can be quicksand for the soul. I’m working with a client named Rachel, who is sinking so deeply into herself I can barely hear her voice.

 

Rachel’s challenge is to open her mouth and take the risk of revelation. It’s a tough call. Keeping quiet and being passive has provided Rachel with a special role in her large and boisterous family and because she has trouble even making minor decisions, her parents and sisters need to help her out.

 

Rachel’s mom drives her to the doctor, the dentist and anywhere else Rachel needs to go. At nineteen, Rachel still hasn’t gotten her license because she lacks the energy to take the test. She doesn’t do much around the house because she’s always tired. She can’t hold a job because she isn’t motivated to get out of bed. Her family feels sorry for her.

 

Rachel doesn’t see it, but she is far from the helpless young woman she thinks she is. After all, because of her “helplessness,” she has the whole family at her beck and call. That’s pretty powerful…

 

Rachel is no weakling and her health is fine. But at a young age she figured out that if she wanted attention, competing for it head on was not going to be easy.

 

She learned instead that by keeping her thoughts to herself, by acting sad and confused, she could get lots of time alone with her parents and special privileges to boot.

 

The problem is that by now Rachel is feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. Who wants to spend their life getting validation by acting like a baby? Why is Rachel afraid to grow up?

 

Together we discovered that Rachel had been told as a child that she was too pushy. She was playing tag and accidentally knocked down a little boy she liked. He yelled at her that she played too hard and nobody came to her defense.

 

Embarrassed and feeling rejected by someone she admired, she began to hold back during games and stopped trying to win.

 

In addition, her older “cooler” sisters only let her spend time with them if she didn’t say anything. She could listen to them talk and watch them put on make-up, but not “butt in” or ask annoying questions.

Rachel also noticed that her parents became very concerned if she didn’t feel well. They fawned over her and worried and fussed.

 

Those childhood incidents were instrumental in giving her the idea that to be loved and accepted she had to be quiet, accommodating and sick.

 

The breaking point came last year when Rachel was not “allowed” to travel with her father and sisters because she wouldn’t be able to “keep up” with them. She was furious and broken-hearted and spent lots of time crying alone in her room.

 

Rachel has since realized that a long time ago she climbed up a tree and is finding it hard to climb down. How can she suddenly change her identity? How can she get down from the tree?

 

Rachel doesn’t want this way of feeling special anymore. It’s turning out to be very limiting. Rachel feels lonely, bored, and isolated from people her age. She’s jealous of her siblings’ animated conversations and their busy lives. During family dinners, she remains silent, for she is known as a good listener.

 

Rachel doesn’t want to just listen anymore but she’s been quiet for so long that she’s scared to open her mouth. What if people disagree with her or ignore what she says?

 

Well that’s the choice we all face when we share our opinions. We open ourselves up to the possibility of being contradicted or dismissed. But so what? Learning to tolerate different opinions without becoming defensive is part of growing up. If you know what you believe, you don’t have to convince everyone around you to think the same. You can still take pleasure in sharing ideas and perspectives; there is joy in self-expression. Even if you don’t get the response you are hoping for, that can be managed with dignity as well. We all need to give the benefit of the doubt to others and to remember our goal is to connect with people not to conquer them. It’s a conversation, not a competition.

 

Keeping Hashem in the picture (as always) can calm your fears and give you the strength to risk self-disclosure. Providing you are speaking respectfully, you can count on the fact that Hashem has got your back. He gave us the gift of speech in order to understand, to educate and to comfort our fellow human beings. Hashem Himself wants very much us for us to talk to Him directly, honestly and without fear. If we are expected to approach our Creator with words, surely we can face another person and politely and honestly tell them what we think.

 

Rachel must make a decision. She must decide if she wants to feel safe or alive. With good communication skills, confidence in herself and faith that God is with her, she can feel both.