What’s Eating You?

My good friend is worried about her youngest daughter. Hindy is twenty-three years old and gaining a lot of weight. My friend is sure it’s related to the relationship Hindy has with her boyfriend.

 

Hindy and Aron met when they were in their early teens. Eventually they “fell in love” and have stayed together. The problem is that Hindy wants to get married already while Aron says that he still isn’t sure and doesn’t know when he will be.

 

Hindy tells everyone that she doesn’t mind waiting for Aron, that she’s okay with him taking his time. They date regularly and Hindy cooks and bakes for him, drops by his place to tidy up and attends his family gatherings.

 

But as Hindy’s weight continues to climb, her Mom is no longer buying her claims of contentment and I don’t blame her.

 

Living at odds with what we really want causes enormous inner conflict; until that conflict is explored and resolved, it’s hard for a person to function normally. Something has to give. Being stuck in a situation that is pulling you in different directions can be excruciating and many people will use food, drugs, or other forms of “comfort” to deal with the stress.

 

I remember when I was in high school during the sixties there was enormous peer pressure to rebel against school, parents, government and anything else perceived as part of the “establishment.” Although that attitude did lead to some very positive outcomes such as kids searching for spirituality and the whole health food movement, there were many damaging consequences as well. I worked in a crisis center and met many people who had gone too far as members of the counter- culture. I saw marriages destroyed because people experimented with open marriage, began using drugs or quit steady jobs to join cults that promised enlightenment (and took their money).

 

As part of my training to be a counselor, I had to learn how to help people “embrace” and be comfortable with alternative lifestyles. We had one workshop for helping people “come out of the closet”, desensitizing us to “dirty words” and teaching us new ways to view romantic relationships.

 

Young people today may think that these are modern ideas but they aren’t, the sixties began the “sexual revolution” and it has just gotten worse.

 

At the time, I was doing my best to be cool with everything and of course, never to judge. I never let on that to me, the world was looking so ugly that I couldn’t imagine ever having kids. I remember wondering what I would say if they asked me a simple question like, “Is it okay to steal?”

 

There was, at the time, a famous book by Abbie Hoffman (who was one of the Chicago Seven) that gave tips on how to “beat the system.”  For example, he explained how easy it is to walk into a restaurant and get a free meal and he described how to do it.

 

In fact, the name of his book was Steal This Book! and as I gazed at it in the bookshop, I wondered if I was supposed to.

 

I was so influenced by the culture that I was losing my ability to be myself.

 

Yet, that little Jewish spark kept up a steady stream of critical comments as I went through my day. Although I looked like my peers and seemed to fit in, both the stupidity and sorrow I witnessed started making me sick. I began to overeat. Deep down, I was a good Jewish girl trying unsuccessfully to place myself in secular society.

 

My epiphany came during an especially disturbing case at the crisis center during the graveyard shift. Halfway through the session I thought, “This person is a complete nutcase, but I am pretending that his choices are fine and he just needs to accept himself. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

 

I quit a couple of months later and felt nothing but relief. I was also happy to get away from the staff members who themselves were living unhealthy lives.

 

I knew there had to be a value system that had true definitions of right and wrong. I needed structure and boundaries and I needed to live with people who were happy and whose lives were working. I needed a normal boy to marry and a way to raise my kids that wouldn’t leave them vulnerable to modern trends.

 

I needed God.

 

After moving to Israel and becoming observant, I stopped my crazy eating patterns.

 

My lifestyle reflected my innermost feelings and I wasn’t hiding myself anymore.

 

I could be a traditional conservative person with old-fashioned ideas and not feel ashamed.

 

One way to stop eating destructively is to stop living a lie. Hindy needs to face herself and admit what’s eating away at her so that she can finally stop eating.