The Third Degree

Translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody

 
When I was a young man – even before I made teshuva – I made one commitment to myself, which is a prerequisite to living a meaningful life: I refused to live a lie or to waste my time on anything that doesn’t involve long-term gain. One thing made no sense to me – life that leads nowhere but to eventual oblivion. What for?
 
Although Hashem did major miracles for me time after time, the Evil Inclination (EI) buzzed like a bothersome fly in my ears, with all types of agnostic contentions and foolish but empty claims why teshuva is “primitive” or “not fun”.
 
I don’t know why so many people “roll over and die” the minute their EI tells them something. Why not fight back? Rather than the Yetzer Hara (EI) pulling your reins, why don’t you pull its reins? Give it the third degree; make it answer the tough questions!
 
My unrelenting desire to know the truth and to be positively sure about it led me to speak to God constantly, even before I committed to observe His commandments. I put my own evil inclination to the test too and looked for a rationale to the life-and-death cycle outside the context of God and emuna. I demanded answers to all my questions. I forced the EI into explaining the logic of a life that ends in decay and nothingness.
 
I hit the EI with life’s most basic yet probing questions; the evil inclination failed miserably, for it had no answers of its own:

1. Why invest a lifetime in working for something that will be terminated sooner or later? The end result is what counts, so what’s the sense of working so hard when I won’t enjoy the fruits of my labors the moment I’m not here anymore?

2. Why strive to be a famous professor in my field or a multi-millionaire when ultimately I won’t enjoy a thing that I have acquired?

3. Why pursue money, fame or material amenities? Something finite doesn’t last for posterity can’t possibly be the purpose of life! So what’s the point of living if there’s no lasting purpose?

4. What’s the sense of creating a world with an entire surrounding universe if there’s no purpose? Can logic tolerate such a notion?

5. Even if I’ve derived periodic enjoyment in this world, what’s the point of life when nothing stays with me after death? Is that it? Someone or something created the world so that I could watch a football game and eat chocolate ice-cream?

6. What’s the purpose of being born when we’ll only die in the end? And even if you tell me that I came to this world to seek material amenities and body pleasures, that’s an outright lie too because most of life is rigorous challenges and not enjoyment! So once again, what’s the logic of life where there’s no ultimate purpose?

I knew in my heart that if something isn’t lasting for posterity, then it can’t be the ultimate purpose. At that point, I was disgusted with this world, for I saw no purpose. I couldn’t stand the thought of life and toil with no purpose. And even if someone would offer me the greatest worldly success with an eight-figure bank account in Switzerland, he couldn’t fool me. A normal human can’t get out of bed in the morning without a purpose. I couldn’t continue functioning in a world without understanding what it’s all for.
 
I hit the Evil Inclination with another question: Why should I work so hard to attain whatever this world has to offer if my entire life ends up in utter decomposition? The EI tried to hinder my connecting with The Creator, but other than that, it had no answers.
 
Then it hit me. What good is a football victory of 100-0 if there wasn’t an opponent on the field? Why does God send our souls down to this lowly material world? Hey, it’s all a test! Can I really find God and discover emuna despite the heavy opposition? Boom! I realized that the heavy spiritual opposition of the doubts and social convention are exactly what makes finding emuna so worthwhile! The tougher the opponent, the more glorious the victory! Once we destroy “the serpent” in our heads that tries its utmost to keep us away from God, we’re free to walk in the Garden of Emuna right there with God alongside. That’s paradise.